Green IslandThailand Prices 2011 Part 2
February 13th 2012 15:24
31/12/11
Cheeseburger chips and coke on Thong Nai Pan Yai 145 THB
Beers, buckets and sundries for New Year’s Eve Party 2,000 THB
Total = $72
While I’m not particularly bothered what I do on Christmas day, I do feel a twinge of disappointment if I don’t have a blast for New Year’s Eve. I hate spending a fortune to go and see an overrated DJ on New Year’s Eve. I also suspect I’m a sad bastard if I stay at home on NY. Makes you feel as if you have no mates, as if you are a misanthrope.
In Japan, outside of the big cities, the standard thing to do is to go to a temple and ring a bell. Each bong represents one of the sins of humanity. (For many of the Japanese I know their only sin is their lifelessness.) They then return home, have a hot drink and go to bed early for fear of catching a cold and being considered unwholesome. The following day they eat minging cold egg, watch tedious marathon races and drink sake. They might break up the excitement with a visit to a shrine where they will do nothing religious other than confirm their Japaneseness.
After several mediocre to crushingly poor New Year’s events in Japan, Thailand provided a memorable night. My brother and I met up with some other denizens of the beach as well as Cordless and wife and we all got lifts on the back of motorbikes to a friend’s bungalow.
There we started on the booze and surprisingly good sundries. It was a splash out, but not from my pocket. Rather from internet work already rendered. The stuff had the odd effect of making me feel hot (not in a Hollywood way, just a temperature way). The result was that I spent most of the evening randy, which I believe is man’s natural state.
At our pre-event soiree we were joined by some dive instructors and a couple of Fins. Not diving fins but the Scandinavian types. I can’t remember what we were talking about but the one Finnish girl who looked a bit flower power suddenly informed the gathering that ‘we’ (the Fins) lived in forests and that they were used to perpetual darkness. I didn’t press the point but I’m sure it was only her that lived in a forest without electricity. How she made it in the dark all the way to Thailand is a mystery.
Anyway, after an hour of banter we got back on bikes and headed down the road to the Funky Buddha in Thong Nai Pan Yai.
The bar was quiet. We got some good seating and proceeded to indulge, imbibe and blither like it was 1999. Eventually, the heating turned to buzzing, the DJ started up and a few other people wandered into the bar.
You can always tell it’s a good night when randomly people break off from the group and are found gyrating and hand bopping on the dance floor. It was vocal laden house-tech. Nothing too obvious and the few that had made it out were having a good time.
Time shot by. Buckets were ordered and downed. Lots of numbers rolled. My abilities in that department were letting me down. Before I knew it, 12 o’clock had vanished up the backside of 3 o’clock. We all decided to leave.
I persuaded a Thai friend to give me a lift on her bike. I was apparently complimenting her on her hair as I spilled beer down it. She took it all very well.
Before getting on the bike our final act at the club was another cheeky sundry. After that I have no totally clear recollection of what happened. Even the beer spilling on the bike episode was told to me later.
The only clear memory that I have after leaving the club was stripping down to my boxers on the beach at Noi and going for a swim with Cordless. Afterwards, we sat and watched the first sun of the New Year low on the horizon and talked bollocks.
It was by far the best New Year’s Eve I’ve had in possibly a decade, if not longer. And none of the pleasure was lost by having to stumble up the hill at the end of the beach session.
01/01/12
I didn’t spend any money on this day. My brother and I just ate the food in the house. I felt so hung over that at one point during the day I was cold and wearing a jacket.
I wrote drafts for some legal documents and did nothing else worthy of note. In the evening we watched District 9. My body felt like it was becoming alien to me.
02/01/12
Tobacco and skins 150 THB
Dinner at Better Than Sex followed by buckets 2,000 THB
Total = $72
Having had a day off from serious abuse and an early night we got up early the next day and started work. This time we started on the windows. When we designed the house ‘floor to ceiling windows’ seemed like a great selling point. We failed to consider the high maintenance aspect of this decision, or the fact that some of the windows at the back of the house were nigh on unreachable except with a tall step ladder. At one point I was on the burning tiles of the roof leaning precariously against the wall by the gutter trying to reach one particularly inaccessible window. I got to all the windows bar one. Another day.
Better Than Sex Restaurant
As a reward for my window cleaning I failed to get a confessional experience but I did get to knock off early. I headed down the beach where I find Cordless digging into his herbs on his wide veranda. After clearing my head, we went down to the ocean with the Frisbee and played an assortment of throwing games. On our second outing with the Frisbee we hit rare form and were flinging it respectable distances. Nearby was a French man raping in the money by hiring out his 2 jet skis. The other notable thing about the beach was the amount of children and adults with plum home county vowels and full enunciation. I used to blend into the ambience on the beach like a drunk at a Glaswegian city centre pub; I now stood out like a leper at a royal garden party. In my opinion it all went wrong when the wheelie suitcase was invented.
I went back up the hill as the sun started its dash for the mountains.
In the evening my brother and I went decided to eat out. We picked up Pong and rounded up Mr. and Mrs. Cordless and went to Better Than Sex for food. It had an eclectic menu – Thai, Burmese and Italian. The clientele were mostly European 30 somethings with cash to waste on red wine. I had a decent carbonara. My sibling went home and the rest of us hit Jip Shop.
We watched some footie and slurped buckets. Then the bird left and the two lads went to the Jungle Bar. It was empty except for 2 Thai lads who might have been working there or might just have been hanging out. The two things are blurred in Thailand. More buckets and herbs.
I walked backed wasted. I could tell I was wasted as my eyesight was worse than usual. After passing a bright spotlight the contrast put me totally in the dark. I said shit to myself and paused to consider my options. Fuck it: my legs will carry me home. I stumbled off in the darkness unsure whether my eyes were open or closed. Eventually the overhanging foliage cleared and I could see by the moon. On the right track rather than lost on a jungle path heading to the shack of a Japanese soldier still waiting for the Emperor to declare the great imperial victory.
03/01/12
Pen’s Bungalows burger and fries 100 THB
Water 10 THB
Internet 30 THB
Beers 200 THB
Tobacco 200 THB
Total = $18
It was another early and painful rise that was quickly cured by the marvels of local product.
The morning was spent going over several of the windows again. Many of the glass panes had paint smears. These were removed with turps by my brother and I followed with bucket, rag and newspaper.
Pens Bungalows
For lunch we went over to Yai. Despite my awareness of the fact, I ordered burger and fries. I was generally more concerned with photographing the menus of restaurants. This meant that I had no time to read them before they were taken away. They always seem keen to take the menu away in Thailand, like their prices are a secret which they reluctantly divulge for just a few minutes – a taste of fact – before they whisk it away and leave you in the twilight of guessing values. Plus of course, burgers and fries is the perfect antidote for months of rice, miso soup and boiled Japanese radish. The Japanese live virtually forever on such a diet until the monotony of it drives them to killing themselves.
In the afternoon we took some photos and did some more weeding. Had dinner in and then went into the village to hang with the Cordless clan. Slightly to my disappointment, they were having a quiet one, as they wanted one final session on the beach before they left in the afternoon. The weather since New Year’s Eve had been bit hit and miss. The weather is all-important for British people as we are bought up to realize that sunny days are a gift from the divine powers that be like winning a tenner on a scratch card.
Instead I hung around Handsome’s and chatted to Mr. Dive while wincing at the bile poured out by the bitter ex-pats that popped in for a burger on their tabs. Why do ex-pats have ‘tabs’ anyway? It must be to speed up their financial ruin and the disintegration of their friendships. Neither a borrower nor a lender be.
I ended up ditching the snideness and heading off on the back of Mr. Dive’s bike. We went to the 7-11 on Yai. A shining, not so septic harbinger of modernity; another bit of concrete on the beach. This 7-11 is very ‘Thong Nai Pan’ in being at least 10% more expensive than the other 7-11’s on the island. We bought a couple of beers and headed off to a bungalow. We watched YouTube song clips and smoked.
My mate nicely gave me a lift back to the house. His bike stalled three quarters of the way up the steep hill. He was lucky enough to get it started after several failed attempts. I walked the last 200 meters back to my bed.
04/01/12
Small water in Phuwadee an outrageous 20 THB
Muay Thai Boxing Restaurant 500 THB
Total = $17
I finished off the weeding. The land is 1,600 sq meters minus the 170 sq meters of the house leaves a hell of a big garden.
We also got the step ladder out and dug a hole in the hard ground at the back of the house in order to safely wedge it in the ground. I steadied the ladder as my brother went up to apply another coat of varnish to the wooden window frame and to clean the window. This was the one window we couldn’t get to before.
At lunch time I went down to the Phuwadee to say adios to Cordless and co. The weather had been kind on the final day and they got a good few hours of sun, sand and sea. Mr. Handsome himself showed up in the taxi to take them away from an imperfect beach to far more imperfect environment in Japan.
Phuwadee Resort and Spa
In the evening we hooked up with Mr. Dive and had some Thai food with Pong and Mrs. Dive. I made the mistake of not examining each mouthful and accidentally eating a chilly. The Thai girls found the firework display in my visage most amusing. Also my brother’s machine gun rhythm speaking Thai tickled their funny bones.
05/01/12
Beer 470 THB
Gear 1,000 THB
Total = $49
I was given a lesson in cleaning the wooden balustrade on the balcony. The secret was lots of water and, as is often the case, lots of elbow grease.
This task took me up to lunch time. We had some leftovers and then went down to the beach for our only swim together the entire holiday. It was good to finally finish off the tasks we had to do and just muck around in the waves. Like old times.
All was right with the world until we got back. I had locked myself out of my room. I felt really dumb. I had checked the key at the time in the lock but hadn’t made sure it turned the lock. All the keys looked identical. My brother took the news calmly and went about trying all the spare keys in the lock. None worked. Then he took apart the lock in the other downstairs bedroom to see how it worked. He then set about trying to ‘pop the lock’. That didn’t work. All other options were off until the next day.
It was getting late. I was wearing my swimming shorts and a t-shirt. I had no money, no tobacco and no book. Luckily we still had some green. That made me feel a little better, but not much. In the end I had a shower, took off my swimming shorts and smelly T-shirt and slipped into the bed naked. Not in my room, but the spare room.
While travelling I’ve been searched by police looking for my gear; I’ve been stranded in the dark hitch hiking in the winter in the UK; I’ve missed flights; I’ve over-stayed my visa in India; I’ve been locked up in a police station cell in London; I’ve been robbed twice (India and Argentina); I’ve been in downtown Johannesburg minutes away from being mugged; I’ve had horrendous bouts of diarrhea and vomiting; I’ve had heart palpitation attacks in China; I’ve lost my hotel. Lots of stuff that would seem worse than being locked out of your room; but, the psychological impact of being shorn of all my belongings (bar shorts and T-shirt) was harder than most, if not all, of the things I’ve just listed.
When you got nothing, you got nothing to lose
You're invisible now, you got no secrets to conceal.
As I lay in bed I thought about just how much I, like the next man or woman, rely on their ‘stuff’ for their mental well being. Shorn of that stuff maybe liberating for the Hindu renunciant, but for me it was like pulling the carpet away from under my feet. I understood a little better what it must be like to be an orphan or homeless. These thoughts whirled around my head magnified by the green until the fuse burnt out and I fell asleep.
06/01/12
Dinner 1,000 THB
Beer singha 65 THB
Vegetables and fags 135 THB
Total = $40
As the cliché goes, tomorrow is a whole new day. I woke up. The sun was shining and after breakfast my brother went off to find another set of keys he had given to a mate for safe keeping, or for such a moment of foolishness as locking yourself out.
By 11am I was back in my room and feeling both much better and slightly silly for feeling anxiety the night before.
The rest of the day passed unremarkably. I did some more cleaning and went to the beach to take some more pictures. My brother made some curry for dinner – the edible kind not the death defying stuff the Thais mysteriously relished.
The only notable thing was that I went to see Mr. Massage concerning my toe that was going red. A sore had become infected. Any small nick in tropical weather can turn nasty if not attended to. I have done this before and not learned my lesson. More than likely I will do it again. I put myself in Mr. Massage’s capable hands. He took an antibiotic capsule and put some of the powder directly on the wound, and then applied a plaster. He gave me some more antibiotics and some cream. Rather than take masses of drugs orally just a small amount applied directly to the troubled spot works wonders.
07/01/12
Plasters, water, fags, rizla 145 THB
Phromcharoen Hotel 1,000 THB
Bike hire 200 THB
Petrol 140 THB
Curry pastes 110 THB
2 coconut oil bars of soap 150 THB
4 Singha & 1 Heineken in Café Uno 419 THB
Total = $72
In the morning we spent an hour doing some left over jobs on the house before heading off on the bike to Thongsala to catch the Seatran Ferry to Bang Rak in Koh Samui.
Neither my brother nor I like Koh Samui very much. However, the neighbouring island has several advantages: it has much better shops than Koh Phangan; it has an airport; and it has a host of things to do: shag a whore, go-karting, fight chavs, shag a whore, watch sea gypsies shin up bamboo poles, have your picture taken with a tiger, drink Guinness, go bowling, go to the cinema, and did I mention, shag a whore?
Sound Club Soi Green Mango
In our case we wanted to get some bits and bobs for the house. Pong wanted to go to the cinema, and I wanted to buy some bootleg software in Nathon.
Nathon
The journey over was uneventful. We had free tickets that included a transfer to Chaweng. This was handy as Koh Samui taxi drivers wouldn’t give their grandmothers a free ride to the hospital. In Chaweng we found a hotel opposite Soi Green Mango, in the very heart of the town. It was a place my brother had used before. They had put up their prices 200 Thai Baht. Peak season I guess. We checked in and had a sneaky smoke. No stupid ‘no smoking’ signs in our rooms as is the case in most of Bangkok. Good to see the true laissez-faire attitude of Thailand still exists in the south. After blowing out the mental cobwebs, we went for a curry down the road at Noori India Restaurant 1. They’ve turned into a mini chain over the years, but they still do some fine curries.
My companions headed off to the cinema at Tesco Lotus. I was feeling sleepy from beer and smoke but I forced myself to do something useful. I went back to Phromcharoen Hotel and hired a scooter with no gears. The guy pulled one out the back. As usual the back break was very loose. Why do they all do this? Do they not know that the bad karma from causing a farang an accident could condemn them to a poor reincarnation next time around?
I headed off south. It is very confusing to find the main ring road, to get out of Chaweng. I never get it right. I eventually made it. Up and over the hill and I stop off at Coral Cove Bay to check out the beach and take a photo. Then over to Lamai to do the same. I slowly make my way around the island on the bike. Along the way I bought some presents for people back in Japan.
The road around Samui seems good so the temptation is to ignore the road and enjoy the scenery. The occasional near thing going over a pothole soon makes you change your mind. I also noticed that no one stops at the traffic lights in Koh Samui except for the one outside the police station at Nathon.
Finally, I make it to my destination Nathon. They have some odd one way system so I parked up and walked down the high street to the bootleg software shop. When I get there the woman has the programs I want on display but after rummaging around in the back room she discovers that she can’t help me rip off Adobe. Had the CIA got to her?
Disgruntled I head back to my bike and start the long journey back to Chaweng. It’s getting dark by the time I approach Samui’s premier tourist destination. I’m uncertain about the turning to take. I take one and then think better of it and turn around. I find myself near Big C and know I have overshot the mark. I ask directions off a girl in a restaurant. She nicely tells me to take a left at the first traffic lights. I do so and I’m back on the road I had just abandoned. It was shades of locking myself out all over again. It’s dark and the road seems to be heading off into pitch black emptiness. I’m encouraged by the site of other farangs on bikes heading up the same road. I follow them.
If there were any stars out I would have thanked them. I got back to the outskirts of Chaweng. I then started to recognize some of the place names by the side of the road. Then I realize I’ve gone too far, and fuck me (easily accomplished in Chaweng) it’s a one-way street. I’m very reluctant to get so close and then have to get lost in order to get back on the same road so I turn the bike around and go slowly up the road the wrong way hugging the curb. A few taxis beep their horn at me. They really are the complete bastard package. I’m very close to my anonymous looking hotel at one of the entrances to Soi Mango and I tink the back of a taxi with my bike. He starts shouting at me, I wah back at him. He lets it slide. I wish I could just get off the fucking bike and walk back to my stash. Instead I go up Soi Green Mango looking for the brothel I spotted from the front of the hotel earlier. Although Soi Green Mango is small it still took me 10 sweaty minutes to locate the knocking shop and the hotel just 20 meters away.
My brother and the scooter hire guy are waiting for me. The later is pissed off that I’m not seriously injured. He takes the bike away to look for microscopic scratches and comes back shortly afterwards with the look of a man who had got a subprime mortgage and had his house re-possessed by the bank. He gave me my passport back.
Over a beer and rizla wrapped jah I recounted my adventures to my brother back in my room, and then we got Pong and went out for a drink and something to eat.
As we walked down the road a taxi sporting a big bill board and loud speakers told us of the ‘world premier’ of a Thai boxing fight in the nearby stadium. Deceptively beautiful chicks with dicks invited us into the Moulin Rouge and masses of subprime youth overflowed from the bars already drunk. We found a bar that just sold drinks and ordered a couple of Singhas and a Spy. It was a fairly shit bar but at least the predators left us alone, not so the aural assault beckoning us to the best ever Muay Thai event.
Next we went down a side street and found a small Thai restaurant called Green Bird. It was packed, and we soon found out why. They served really good Thai food at just over a dollar a plate. We enjoyed a leisurely meal and went back to our rooms.
I thought I was stoned enough to sleep through anything by the time we said good night. Far from it: inside and out a legion of young twats shouted out a mangled form of English that competed with the noise of the bars playing Bon Jovi and other such 80s crowd pleasers. There was no 1am curfew. It went on all night. I dropped off as the sun came up.
Stay tuned for the final episode of Thailand Prices where I run into a bunch of foolmooners and have to gob an eighth.
Subtotal = $340
Running Total = $1,576 Again most of the money goes to the airpline
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